Saturday, August 6, 2011

Fictional roundtable dicussion with Seattle sports head coaches and executives

By: Kshell

I decided to be a little creative with this blog post where I'm going to conduct a fictional roundtable discussion which includes Seattle Seahawks head coach and President Pete Carroll, Washington Huskies head football coach Steve Sarkisian, Washington Huskies head basketball coach Lorenzo Romar, Seattle Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik and manager Eric Wedge, plus special guests Mariners president Chuck Armstrong along with Huskies Athletic Director Scott Woodward. Now this is 100% fictional but we'll have a roundtable discussion with all the Seattle major sports players in this area. Now I've never done this before but this is something that you see Bill Simmons pull off to perfection every single time. Now this is all parody so hopefully nobody will get too upset with some of the responses.

SSB: I'm so honored to have all the major coaches here. We'll also have some executives as well. So any opening statements?

Steve Sarkisian: Go Dawgs! I gurantee we'll be competing for a Pac-12 title eventually. Our players are pumped for this season!

Pete Carroll: Do you purposely copy me on everything?!!

Steve Sarkisian: Hell yes make lots of noise so if you fail the doogs(fans who act like coug fans accept losing) will still love you!

Jack Zduriencik: I personally like setting expectations so low that if I don't literally piss my own pants I'll receive praise. Hell I'm a career loser but people still trust me! LOL

Lorenzo Romar: I personally like to bring up how my previous coach from a decade ago was awful. The doogs love that one.

Steve Sarkisian: That's a good one! Can I still blame Neuheisel?

Scott Woodward: Oh yea you inherited a program from a guy who inherited a program from a guy who inherited a program from a guy that was dirty. Hell I like to build in excuses before an ass kicking. Take the Oregon game I was complaining about their academics before the game so the doogs will shift their focus on that instead of us getting killed as usual.

Pete Carroll: What the hell is this academics you speak of? I don't think my players ever went to class. I'm a winner and then when I was caught cheating my "punishment" was seven million per year from the Seahawks.

Steve Sarkisian: Why do you think I want to be like you Pete? Even if your caught as a cheat you still found a way to come out clean.

Lorenzo Romar: I don't believe in being a dirty program. I won't allow it I may lose out on Terrence Jones but I will keep my dignity.

Jack Zduriencik: That's funny Lorenzo didn't you have a rapist on your team last year?

Chuck Armstrong: Actually Jack you traded for a damn rapist too! I don't care if we lose 100 games I won't tolerate players who have sketchy backgrounds!

SSB: Okay I see this topic is getting out of hand. Okay Eric Wedge how is your first year going in Seattle?

Eric Wedge: Well I fooled the fans by growing an awesome mustache that took attention away from this shitty team that I have. When I fill out the lineup card I seriously think if I should kill myself. I mean my options for cleanup are Justin Smoak, Miguel Olivo, Adam Kennedy?!! Thanks a lot Jack!

Jack Zduriencik: We have good young talent. That's what I have to keep repeating hopefully the fans actually believe it.

Steve Sarkisian: Why do you think I never redshirt players? So I can point to the true freshman every year and say my team is young.

Lorenzo Romar: I'm the opposite I like to play my crappy experienced guys over my talented freshman. I know C.J. Wilcox and Terrence Ross will play in the NBA but why play them when my season is on the line? I have to trust my seniors Venoy Overton and Justin Holiday.

Eric Wedge: I would actually murder someone for talent seriously! My team is garbage. People get on me about our hitting but our hitters suck! I've seen triple A teams with more talent.

Jack Zduriencik: We are rebuilding Eric you have to stay the course even though I'll probably fire you if my ass is on the line.

Chuck Armstrong: Jack hate to break it to you but I'll fire you first. I like to pretend I care so I fire people every now and then but in reality I don't give a shit. I'm the Elgin Baylor of baseball and I'm proud of it!

Scott Woodward: At least you guys had qualifications for your job. I sure as hell didn't! So I think I win that title for sure!

SSB: Okay this dicussion is going pretty well. I have to ask Pete Carroll how does it feel to be the only one doing things right yet fans hate you?

Pete Carroll: Yes I love how fans get pissed when I got rid of a quarterback who threw 44 INT's to just 34 TD's the last three years. I'm like damn this town really does love losers! Then I released Tatupu and fans like Big Lo are freaking out. It's kind of a joke how much hate I get yet people forgive Jack Z so much.

Jack Zduriencik: That is because I keep trading for prospects so all my supporters can point to my farm system as progress. I know Frankling Gutierrez sucks and a good chance Justin Smoak will too. That doesn't matter though by the time the fans realize they suck I'll have some new up and coming "prospect".

Chuck Armstrong: You messed up Pete! I would have given Matt a five year deal. I mean I gave Ichiro a franchise guy at 33 years old a five year 90 million dollar deal. We've sold so many bobbleheads because of him!

Pete Carroll: Bobbleheads?!! WTF?!! Does anyone in this damn town want a winner?

Chuck Armstrong: Your new I'll let you in on a secret no they don't. They want bobbleheads instead!

Lorenzo Romar: Just tease them with NCAA tournaments and they'll be fine. I can coach here for 40 more seasons and never advance past the sweet 16. KJR and the doogs have made it so I'll be here forever even if I underachieve.

Eric Wedge: Wow I have it lucky I managed in Cleveland for seven seasons with just two winning seasons. Now I'm in another losing city I'm all of a sudden liking it here.

Steve Sarkisian: It's true I'm just 12-13 yet I can kill someone in down town Seattle and be elected mayor. This city doesn't care about winning at all.

Jack Zduriencik: I've built a historically awful offense the past three seasons and people still have signs how they trust me! This town loves losers.

Pete Carroll: That does make sense I mean we did only go 7-9 last year yet people talk us up like a 12-4 team around here. It's good to know there is zero expectations around here.

Chuck Armstrong: That's the spirit! Finally you new guys are learning. It's not about winning or losing instead it's about fooling the fan base. I'm the worst president in major league history yet I keep my job. Everyone hates me and do you think I give a shit? Hell no! I'll never get fired. My boss loves me because I make him tons of money every year.

SSB: So nobody cares about winning? I'm starting to be upset that our fan base doesn't hold you guys accountable.

Jack Zduriencik: We are rebuilding with young talent.

Steve Sarkisian: I inherited 0-12 and went 7-6 with a QB that went in the top 10 of the NFL draft. What more do you want?

Lorenzo Romar: Hello? Three straight NCAA tournament appearances ring a bell? I know we choked in the tournament but the doogs are still busy celebrating my Pac-10 tournament titles.

Pete Carroll: Hell I seem to be the only guy taking heat. That fat guy wearing the Babineaux jersey isn't happy with me. I guess I should have kept Matt and simply sucked.

Chuck Armstrong: Pete has finally arrived! That's what I did with Ichiro. Fans loved me at the time when I resigned him although we suck now. Still had I let him walk we could be winners now but would Shannon Drayer like me? I don't think so.

Eric Wedge: I love how I have 27 million dollars in two leadoff hitters who both suck ass.

Jack Zduriencik: We are a young team that is rebuilding. We have a ton of young talent.

SSB: Well thanks guys this has been fun. Hopefully you guys can build a winner but I'm having my doubts now.

Well guys there you have it. There was my fictional roundtable with all the Seattle Sports head coaches and executives. Now this was just me having fun don't take everything in here seriously. I just decided to have some fun with this. I'm sure some people will be upset but I used this as a way to vent how Seattle as a city celebrates being average. I would like just for once for the fans to wait til a coach or executive proves himself before electing him into the hall of fame. I think the fans are so starving for a winner they get too attached to the guys running the show. So I hope you enjoyed my fictional roundtable discussion.

1 comment:

  1. Poor Sigi, getting left in the cold. And he just got his league-leading 150th victory of his career too...