Friday, August 17, 2012

If the Pac-12 was a neighborhood party

By Kshell

With college football just around the corner I figured I would take a fun take at the history of the Pac-12 conference. In this piece I'm pretending what each football program would be like if they represented a real person . I set all 12 teams in a neighborhood as they are all neighbors who have a neighborhood party once a year to see who is doing the best. I'll include the programs history based on how successful this person may or may not be. How good their coach is will represent their wife or if they have a new coach that will represent a girlfriend. How the football program is doing will represent how they are doing in life far as their job, how much money they make, their accessories, etc. Like I said I'll try in a creative way use the past and the present day programs to give you a better idea how each football program looks in our conference. I'll go alphabetical order like I do in my Pac-12 predictions piece starting with the South.

Arizona State:

Arizona State is no longer the new guy on the neighborhood and just like that has been part of this neighborhood for a while when the neighborhood expanded to 10 houses. Arizona State also has the rest of the conference confused as to why he isn't more successful in life and is always single. Arizona State is pretty intelligent so he should be successful in his work life and is in great shape as he is always working out. He is also pretty good looking and the rest of his neighbors view him as a sleeping giant to have the best house and hottest wife. Then at the party the rest of his neighbors noticed that Arizona State is the life of the party. He is the guy who is always tanked and brings the bulk of the alcohol. He is a fun loving guy who simply doesn't give a shit. He is just there to have fun. That is when everyone else realized he is what he is which is a guy who has potential for so much more but won't ever reach that potential.


Arizona moved into the neighborhood same time as Arizona State did. Minus a brief time period in the 1990's Arizona has just been the forgotten man on the neighborhood. He has never been married or even had a pretty girl friend. He has never been successful in his job either. He isn't a loser and his house isn't the worst on the block. That is the thing about Arizona he isn't so bad where his neighbors make fun of him but they are wondering why they invited him to the block in the first place? Then they remembered he brings value outside of the neighborhood. He is good at other stuff that nobody really cares about(basketball, baseball, etc) but still has value. He is the guy who goes around the neighborhood to help clean up, he is always willing to baby sit for you as well. So his value is other areas so the rest of neighborhood tolerates him.


Colorado is new to the neighborhood and currently owns the smallest home on the block. Colorado used to be in another neighborhood where he was very successful. He had the hottest wife and was making six figures at his job. In 1990 he was named most successful man in the city. Then in 1998 his young hot wife left him in the middle of the night and ended up marrying Washington. Colorado still hasn't recovered from that and last year they struggled in their new neighborhood after their last neighborhood was threatening to fold. The fellow neighbors still don't respect Colorado as they know they are a has been. Sure they may have been successful 20 years ago but right now they are left eating the scraps at the party with Oregon State and Washington State. Poor Colorado had they joined this neighborhood 20 years ago they would have fit in nicely instead they are the runt of the neighborhood.


Utah like Colorado is new to this Pac-12 neighborhood. Utah had a rough transition their first year but settled in nicely. Utah was in a different neighborhood that was beaten down sure they had the nicest house. They also had the nicest house on one of the worst neighborhoods in town. Utah made good money at his job or so he thought compared to the rest of his neighborhood. He was big fish small pond syndrome. In this past he's had competitions with teams in the Pac-12 and whooped their ass so he figured the transition would be easy. Finally another house was built in the Pac-12 neighborhood and Utah decided to jump all over it. Now with the same wife who was the hottest in her previous neighborhood she is simply good looking in this one. Utah will eventually get adjusted and raise their game up. They need to do some landscaping around the house to improve on it some, with the promotion in their job they will start making more money so they can upgrade their car. Utah will eventually upgrade their house so in a few years they can finally compete. As is they are still one of the better overall guests at the party. Almost everyone respects Utah but they also got a kick out of Utah's struggles that first year proving that you can't just go from a shitty neighborhood to a big time neighborhood without your struggles.


UCLA has been part of the conference since day one. UCLA is good looking and for a long period of time had a great house with a great job. His problem is he is next door neighbors to USC so no matter how good he does it doesn't seem enough. UCLA has had some woman issues lately too. Remember the wife who left Colorado? Well after Washington chose to divorce her UCLA decided to marry her and she sank him down. So now UCLA is dating a girl who has been lusting after Washington for years. UCLA has what it takes to control this neighborhood but his biggest problem is he is a wimp. He lets his neighbors(particularly USC) walk all over him. When USC wants something of his UCLA just bows down and USC takes whatever he wants. UCLA despite having the best location in the neighborhood and easy access to move up in his job he just can't seem to seal the deal. What it boils down to is UCLA is soft as a person and when you are soft others will walk all over you.


USC has been part of this neighborhood forever. His grandpa made this neighborhood what it is today, then his dad ruled this neighborhood and someday so will his son. USC is the biggest toughest guy in the room and always has a hot girl friend. USC makes six figures and nobody messes around with USC except for lately. Due to a scandal he had at work back in 2005 he was sentenced to two years in jail plus probation. So other teams in the neighborhood have caught up to USC and gotten some revenge on USC the last two years. USC has a new young girlfriend and is determined to be the most successful person on the block. At the parties USC is seen as arrogant but he knows he can be because he has earned it. He will once in a while give Washington a nod of respect but don't think for one second he will even acknowledge what Oregon has going on at their place. He will act like McKayla Maroney and be very unimpressed. USC knows even while being in jail he was still the most successful person at the southern end of his block. USC is constantly laughing at his next door neighbor UCLA whom he doesn't even consider  a rival. He considers Notre Dame the guy who lives across the city who has been living off his dad and grandpa's generation for a while now. USC is finally out of jail so he is hoping to make up for lost time the past two years.


California is the hippie pot smoking guy on the neighborhood who is care free. California despite such a big house had one of the dumpiest houses on the block, one of the worst cars, wasn't married and had a terrible job. Then after hitting rock bottom he met a girl and fell in love. Early on he enjoyed great success as he got a new job which paid well. In fact only USC was more successful on the block than he was. Now his wife her looks have dropped off a bit, at work people have passed him up, his car isn't so nice anymore. He has returned to be average on the block and worse yet his oldest son who he raised so well has left his company to go work for Washington. Then his son stole some other young up and comers he was recruiting to go work for his company. He has never felt so betrayed by a family member in his life. California tasted success but now is just rolling in mediocrity.


Stanford was the skinny little nerd at the neighborhood party for years. He was the smartest guy at the part something he'd always remind everyone but nobody else cared as he was a slob. His house was messy, he was single, he had no car and his job was terrible. Then very quietly Stanford met this girl and caught a "LUCKy" break. He started to work out and suddenly showed up to the part not only as the smartest guy but also the toughest guy. He was bullying USC at the party which nobody did and USC was backing down. He was also pushing around Washington which he never used to do. The only person who could stand up to Stanford lately is Oregon who has been beating everyone at everything lately. Stanford's young hot girlfriend left him for better opportunities that he couldn't provide. His lucky horseshoe he lost while on a trip to Indianapolis so some are curious how Stanford is going to far without his hot girl friend or his good luck charm. One thing is for sure Stanford isn't that skinny little wimpy nerd that the conference used to take advantage of for years. Stanford will fight back and lately Stanford has been the one taking advantage of others in the conference.


Oregon's family has been part of this neighborhood forever. Oregon was the loser of the block, had a small house, couldn't afford a car, worked at a shitty job, had a long time wife who was average. Then suddenly in the 1990's Oregon realized his distant uncle was the creator of Nike. His uncle who had no kids of his own immediately treated Oregon like a son and named his CEO of Nike. Oregon who used to get picked on by everyone especially Washington is now picking on Washington. After Oregon's long-time loyal wife left him for what she thought was a better guy Oregon would realize he had an uncle. Then after being one of the top guys on the block Oregon met some under the radar girl from the east coast. Nobody knew anything about her and after short time he booted his second wife to the curb for this young hot wife. Oregon has the nicest house on the block, the hottest wife and due to being treated like crap for generations they are obnoxious about their success. USC still doesn't acknoweldge their success and just recently after winning the best roses on the Pac-12/Big 10 block contest Washington is reluctantly giving Oregon credit. Oregon is new rich but there is a storm brewing possibly. There is speculation Oregon could get in trouble and go to jail soon as they may have done some illegal things to get this high. We'll see but for now Oregon has been king of the neighborhood for three straight years and only USC can knock him off that porch this year.

Oregon State:

Oregon State is the nice polite guy at the party who everyone else secretly wonders why they were even invited to the neighborhood to begin with. For over three plus decades Oregon State had the worst house, was living off welfare and was single. He was a loser who everyone else felt sorry for. Then  Oregon State met a sweet girlfriend who brought his life together but she quickly left him. Oregon State then found great success with his new girl. He finally got a kick ass job, improved his ass and his girl friend although a drinker was pretty hot. Just like that Oregon State was one of the more successful guys at the party. Then that girl friend left him so Oregon State decided to get back with his previous girl friend who had left him and they sustained success for a while. Well that girl friend hasn't been working out, letting herself go a little and is bad with money. Just like that Oregon State career isn't going as well so he is having to cut back on his house a little. Oregon State looks around and he is in danger of becoming the least successful person on the block if he isn't careful. He is too loyal to his girlfriend as well even though many are suggesting he can do better.


Washington has been part of this block for generations as well. He has always had one of the nicer houses, and a nice job plus beautiful women. He inherited the place from his dad who was the most successful guy on the block from 1977-1992 then suddenly one of his dad's employees below him took out an illegal loan to help finance his house. The other neighbors found out and they flipped punishing his dad for two years which his dad said screw it I'm moving out! Then suddenly his dad passed away unexpected and there was major turmoil for Washington. His uncle came in to right the ship for a while but eventually had to hand it over to Washington who wasn't ready for this responsibility. Washington snatched away Colorado's wife and that was a hit right off the bat Washington was kicking ass at his job, did some improvements to his house and was living the dream. Come to find out his wife was a bit of a gambler and after being tired of being lied to he finally dumped his young attractive wife. He settled on Stanford's ex where he hit rock bottom. He lost his job in 2008, had to file for bankruptcy and even live on welfare for a while. He is now dating someone from the USC family tree one of USC nieces and things have turned around. Washington is working a decent job, his house seems in order but Washington is frustrated because he has to achieve what his dad had achieved for such a long stretch. At one time his dad was the smartest, toughest and most successful guy on the block. Washington is hoping someday he can join that level of USC and Oregon but right now he isn't quite there.

Washington State:

Washington State is always the guy who embarrasses himself at the party by getting too drunk off Busch Light. He is the guy everyone wonders who invited this guy? He insists that he matters but in reality he doesn't. He really enjoys it when his next door neighbor Washington is down in the dumps even though his life isn't going as well. Washington State has been the least successful guy on the block throughout most of their history. He had a stretch from 2001-03 where he turned his life around, his loyalty to his wife paid off as she got smoking hot, he was named ceo of his company and life was looking good for him. Then his loyalty turned to betrayal as his wife left him in the middle of the night. Washington State just ended a bad four year divorce where they hit rock bottom. She gave him bad advice and he has been unemployed for the last four years, living off welfare and everyone on the neighborhood wanted him to move out. Washington State is now dating this weird chick who is obsessed with Pirates, she is controversial and speaks her mind. She also appears to be a good fit for Washington State. Washington State just recently found a job and things could be looking up for Washington State. In a few years Washington State might not be the least successful guy on the block as that title will probably belong to Oregon State at this rate.

Well I hope I didn't offend your fan base in this piece as this was all done in fun. I always imagined what they would look like if they were in a neighborhood together. This was one of the more fun pieces I've done as I usually don't do satire pieces. The Pac-12 neighborhood has gone over some changes in recent memory and we'll see how this post stands up in a few years from now. Some teams have had to work hard to get where they are at, while others seem to always be successful, while some have never tasted success and lastly some have had success but fallen on hard times. I tried to give a historical review of each program in a less than serious context. Should be a fun 2012 season coming up and I can't believe college football is only 15 days away for most programs and for Washington State it is only 13 days away!

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